How?

How did you manage to discover exactly that spot behind my neck, just where the neck ends (...or starts...depending from where you look) ? How do you know exactly how to kiss my back and then play with your fingers up and down in the perfect rhythm? And why do you fall asleep holding my hand?
I don't know how you do it....I don't know how you make me smile...I don't know how you read my mind and do the right gestures in the perfect moments...But please, please don't stop!

One day, each of us finds a small "exit" from the normality, from the usual, from this ... monotony, and escapes in a World that no one who wasn't there can even dream of...From the top of the mountain, you feel King and you know for a second that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you cannot do. 

Lay back and don't say a word...just look at me and smile again. Make me feel in Heaven for one more time...No...for...EVER....
Nowhere...else I'd rather be... No one...else I'd kiss right now...

"Eu te amo! E isso me dá o poder de tê-lo " :)

Your perfume lingers on my skin...Waiting for the bus to go home, I still can't stop smiling...Early mornings here mean sad people going to work and running from the rain. Between them, I feel like I come from another planet...I let the rain fall on my neck, and I shiver as it goes on the traces of your lips...Between all that gray figures, I see colors.
I sit in the bus and look through the window...for a second, everything just goes on reverse...Me, naked, near you, naked, in the bed....My hand on your back...Flashes of the last night are flooding my heart and my mind...The light pullover thrown over my black sexy mid-tight stockings and the suspender belt....You, discovering every centimeter of me...your breath on my neck and your hands holding me tight...
The rain covered the windows of the bus and I can't see anything...But you, lying on the back, holding me at your chest, playing with my hair, kissing me on the forehead...protective...worried...asking yourself if you are making a mistake. I come with my lips near your year and I am wondering if I should say it...Quiet, shy, unsure of your reaction: "I love you...." You look at me and take a deep breath, and I kiss you...A big kiss....
It's living every second with you as it would be the last one, just because it really might be the last one. It's the fact that I can't totally have you and this intrigues me. It's the way in which you smile and how you touch me...It's all about brushing my teeth in the morning and you coming and whispering "I don't want to go to work..."
Having a coffee, a 'pain aux choco' from Fischer's (yes, I was hungry and I had to wait for the bus and I love having the breakfast with orange juice and sweet things and look at the "bankers" and smile because I am the only one that is HAPPY) and listening to music...the music from last night...You know, don't you, that it's stupid to ask me to breath without you....because you can't do it either without me....

Choice

Between being miserable without you at all and touching the ultimate happiness in the few seconds with you, I will always choose...YOU.

The rain was covering her face...she just couldn't stay at home anymore, not without him. Every sip she was taking from the bottle of scotch was reminding her of him and the last words she told: "Maybe is better to get out of your life...." ... It was getting late and the bar was closing...another night lost, alone, though surrounded by a bunch of men eager for a "happy ending" of the night, crushed...

"It's time to leave, Missy"... She raised her eyes to the bartender and gave him a smile "Thank you!" ... "Anytime, just don't let anybody take away that smile"... The door closed behind her and she just stood at the crossroads, trying to make a decision...


When you get out of the happiness state, you are not going into depression, you are just coming back to normality (thanks, my friend, for saying intelligent things exactly in the perfect moment).

 She lights up a cigarette and breathes calmly the smoke...In...out...feeling her lungs invaded by the sweet poison.....In the darkness of the room, nobody can see her tears anymore...She would scream, she would break something, but she herself is too broken to make any move...

....on the top of the World I found you. And maybe sometimes I forget how to walk in the same time with you, but I am always following you...

 
 

Another kind of touch

You are playing with your fingers in my messed up hair after our last game...Than, you close my eyes, and somehow manage to get inside my soul....and there, you spend hours trying to rebuilt it, to make it whole again, to make it alive again, find out which are the missing pieces and replace them...
You take my arms and put them around your neck, making me hold you so tight that at some point we merge, and we just become one, learning to breath in the same time, learning...how to learn again...
You are creating Worlds for me and with another kind of touch, you make me scream from the top of the World "I AM HAPPY, MY LOVE!!!!!!". Again, there is no limit, not even the sky holding me whenever I might loose my equilibrium...
Janice Joplin....I still smell like you...Cigarettes...Your look that tells me more than one thousand words...A better you every time we meet...
With another kind of touch, you will manage to redo the puzzle and to see it shine colors that you've never seen in your life.
..........................
I linger in bed, next to you...Today I woke up again with my head on your chest...There is just a thin arrow of light passing through one corner to another ...Around the room, proofs of the last night "representation"...I watch you for some minutes...counting your breaths...listening...just the rhythmic beat of your heart. Now, I can feel the peace that you are giving me...now I know why I am missing you some times...It's all because of another kind of touch...

Masks....

In a World with masks, I left mine away in the moment I reached happiness...It was a flash of a second, full of colors and sounds that merged together is the most beautiful dance of butterflies. It was than when lips touched for just some seconds...I dropped in that moment everything that was covering me and my inside came out, without shame. No timidity, no shame, naked in front of you, ready to touch every star with my finger tips.
You forgot to tell me it will burn. You forgot that I am human and I get hurt. I followed blindly every step of yours, ready to catch you whenever you were about to fall...You made me believe I were more powerful than I thought. That I can move mountains and skies and seas alone, for you. You showed me clear skies just to teach me that there are also black clouds. You showed me the Sun, just to teach me that it can burn....You proved me HAPPINESS just to make me feel the SORROW. In all its states.
But now I am searching for my mask...I am starting all over again...Only that now, I completed the "scheme of feelings" a human can have. Now I know that tears can leave deep cuts on your face....Now I know that there is an ending to everything, no matter if you want it or not.
For a moment I felt how I stopped but the time continued to run...faster and faster....Few more months and I will be at that point in life when I will look back and see that nothing was as I thought it would be...But also, there will be almost one year since I took my time to look back, to see where I went wrong and were I was right. One year by myself....in a new World that my soul rejects. I feel pulses of change. I feel myself growing up too fast...I am letting go...I am accepting my failure and my success as they are...
In the end...I guess that in a way or another you played the most important role in this ... movie...but you will never reach to see the end of it. At least not as an actor but as a spectator.
...The lights are going off at the end of the play,  the actors align themselves, and then the yellow and white lights will increase slowly for the applause....This time, I will not be on the stage either...this time, I will just play with the colors....

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.  - C.S Lewis

Frames...

Dust off....pick the old, heavy book and open it....The paper butterfly falls in front of your feet...You raise the right hand with the book on it, and easily lean forward to pick it up with your left hand...The book slips from your hand and falls on the dusty, wooden floor, making a strange, squeezed noise...With your finger tips, you touch the wings of the butterfly...Unequal...Wrong..."I couldn't make even a good paper-butterfly...Damn"...You put it in your fist and break it....You throw it away in the corner of the old attic...letting your head fall in your palms, holding back from crying, you sit on the floor..."This was so wrong...."

The first contact of the skin with the sea must be perfect...I get closer and closer...with small steps, eyes closed, just hearing the waves and feeling the sand under my feet, smelling the wind...I feel the first drop of water...I go further...Soon, I start going down...I lay back and watch the stars, trying to trace lines between them, make connections, reinvent the Universe. I am drawing maps and I am trying to reach you, but apparently, however I would make the combination, there is no way to go back .... I left the paper butterfly in an old book in the dusty attic....I know that one day you will find it....

You stand up, look around and start descending the stairs...I start swimming....As you get further away from the house, I swim further away from the shore. The Sun is starting to send spots of light, calling me back to the shore...The moon is up on your sky...you lay back in your big and empty bad...I step on the sand again..."If there is no more of you, there can't be anymore of me..."
"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible" - T.E. Lawrence

The hardest thing...

...starts in the morning when I wake up at 5 a.m and there is nobody to say "Good morning" to.
....is during the day when no sms comes to confirm that you are thinking of me as much as I am thinking of you.
....is when at 3.30 p.m I don't get any "hey! I'm home!"
....is at night when you are not there to "gaze" at until I fall asleep...
....is to be strangers
....is not to say "Good morning" and "Good night"
....becomes even harder when I think about coming in Romania and realize that you will not be there
....is when I smoke and you are not there to tell me off

The hardest thing is that we exist in different Worlds that reject each other. There is actually no hard thing. There are a bunch of fucked up moments and situations that messed us up. So much, that we got confused and missed the right way. And made it be even worse. Two stupid puppets that thought of them as humans for a while and dared to believe in everything that was forbidden.
 The hardest thing ever was when I said the last good bye on the phone, in the airport. The hardest thing was when the plane took off...The hardest thing, my love, was to know that it was the last time when I see you, but not to give you the last kiss...The hardest thing is to know that I will never forget you.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

THE SANDMAN: THE KINDLY ONES by NEIL GAIMAN

After the end...(the final way of saying "I love you",,,)

...can be nothing. Or can be the last struggle to start it all over again. I chose the second method. The nothingness seems a little bit too limited and in consequence, too boring for me. This, besides the fact that I consider that all the states of the mind and the soul should be felt at least once in a life time. Including the extremes. The extreme happiness and the extreme sorrow. And to survive all of them...Than, you become complete....and than there can be...nothing.

The 2 pictures with you are still in the electronic frame's memory..I see them sometimes, when I shuffle through it. It seems like ages since you took your decisions, though there are only some days...Everything changed...Including me. All that is left from us, is a pale shadow of pain which is pushing me from time to time, when I loose myself in memories. It's far too late to know if your decision was good or bad...I've never hidden from you my strong side. That part of me that can turn off feelings and can just go with the flow. There were times when I wished you will never get to see it, feel it, stand it...I know, it's hard. And yes, I know you are hurt...and if there was any reason why I never wanted to let it go, this was the first one. I guess you feel it every time I am not...alone...because those are the only times when you are letting me know you still exist.  But it was you who made the choice for both of us...

The child opened his fist and the butterfly flew ... he followed it with his eyes and turned to his mother. "It is gone...But it was so beautiful, mum!" and a tear rolls on his red chick...."My child, but you don't have to cry....that's how it has to be...this is how butterflies are. They are meant to fly as much as they can, to make the Sun smile and the sky blue..."...

There is only one way to see what is after the end. By living it. Now, after all this disaster, after all the breaking and emptiness, I am recovering...in a way or another. Patiently, taking every piece of my soul and trying to put it back together. There are a lot of pieces missing...But I am strong enough to make it, even without a center. So just...forget everything, but this "One day, we will lay back on the sand and I will teach you the constellations...."

The pieces of glass entered so deep that nothing can remove them anymore...because one is enough to be taken away to start the uncontrolled bleeding...

For my unborn child.....The Story of the Dragon (II)

I will never let anything hurt you, my son. Now, baby, close your eyes and let me take you again in the world of the Princess and the Dragons...
"Walking on the empty, small streets of the old town, the Princess was trying to find answers. Suddenly, the air begun to heat...She stops...she feels somebody watching her and turns over the shoulder...In the dim light of the old pavement, she saw the Dragon...Uncontrollable heartbeats, slow and deep breaths...she turns... "Wait! Look at me, for once..." The Dragon flew...."Waaaaiittt!!!", the Princess screamed, but it was too late. He had already disappeared...
In her white room, the Princess lied back in the bad. "So there he is..He exists. Who is he? And...how do I make him talk at least?". She knew that this was her chance to find the peace that she never had before...

With very short glimpses, the Dragon was watching the Princess through the window. This way, he could not hurt her. "If only I could do something...she need to be happy. She deserves to be happy...I should leave...But how could I live without seeing her anymore? How could I help her when she needs help but is to proud to ask for it? "....

The moon was still round and white, illuminating the path for the stars....For a while now, the Princess was in her dream...Falling asleep in the Dragon's arms...trying to imagine and to feel how would his touch be...smiling.

Next morning, there was a Dragon....sleeping under the Princess's window...."

Resting his head on his mother chest, the baby let himself taken by butterfly fairies into the dreams World...Every story has a beginning..

Chess

"Razboiul de pe tabla de sah se traspunea in mine...doar tie nu iti pot intui a 5-a miscare...nebunul de alb e scos de un pion, dintr-o eroare copilareasca a jucatorului...ma pierd pentru o secunda in fumul din jur...ametitor...as putea...as putea sa inchid tot acum...nu am nevoie decat de o jumatate de pas si totul s-ar opri...pe tabla, sah..sutem in sah, iubitule...Sah mat...final? sau remiza?"

P.S. Sorry Sara...this had to be written in Romanian...you will understand anyway!

For my unborn child.....The Story of the Dragon (I)

"...In the fight with the Dragons, he always wins...Because he is a Dragon...His curse is that everything he sets eyes on, burns in the hottest, the most powerful and painful fire that have ever existed in the history of fairy tales.
This is why he hides away from the Princess...even though she loves him, even though she would prefer to finish burning than to miss him...

It started far behind time and space as we know it. Far behind touchable and material, ignorant,  fragments of life...In a time when fairies and butterflies were flying every day and night around each child, to protect him and to make him smile. In the time when the Sun was not the most glittering star of the Universe. In a space where Dragons were defending Humans...A space of "the Beginnings" and "the Ends"...

The Princess was crying...in her white room, hugging her "cow" and talking to herself..."Why me? Why all this? Why did I leave home? Why did I choose loneliness??" The white snow was covering the street and she wanted black. She wanted lights. She wanted...fire..."What if I call the Dragon? By generations, we were protected by the Dragons...My mother...my aunt...all the Princess in this family had their Dragon...I have to search mine!", the princess said to herself. She dressed up quickly, and left...On her flying lizard, back home, to solve the problems, as she always did, by herself.
Disaster appeared in the Central Park...with a kiss ... something was wrong. She should have felt burning...if HE would have been a Dragon, why doesn't it hurt..only if...
The Prince disguised in a Dragon haunted her for years. At that point she thought he is special..the Special Dragon that can help himself from hurting her in any way. Than it hurt..it burned...she thought that this is the proof that he IS a Dragon and he shall be hers...Couldn't she be more wrong than that...
They were kissing and holding themselves...But the Princess shed a tear...and the Prince felt and stepped back...He said it..."I am not a.." .. The Princess stopped him with another kiss..."This is the last time...You are just mean...It hurt, but not because you were my Dragon, but because your Human lies are worse than any Dragon look...This was the last time you will ever see or touch me...Just...go..." , and she turned around and waited for him to leave, feeling her heart exploding...The rain started...mixing disgustingly with the snow and the tears...The Princess needed her Sister and some other Human friends...She needed to forget..."

The baby is in the dreams land...for the last month, it was the only way to make him sleep. His mother was exhausted...but her happiness was far beyond any unslept hours, because she was just holding her happiness in her arms...

I love you, beyond all the ignorance and the fakes, I love you! YOU!

Breaking the Limits

First look...first touch...

The eyes of the lost soul stared at me for minutes. None of us could react for some minutes and we just kept watching each other, not believing that we are real. We were not hearing the crowd around us, but we were searching each others hand...First the small fingers started playing and all the fireworks in the World exploded inside me in the second when I felt his touch...For months now I have imagined how it would be...his touch...his skin...his smell...the first limit was broken...

Sharing the bed for the first time...first kiss...

Your arms around my hips...your lips...your hand going gently up on my back...your fingers in my hair...your tongue...the smile...I was trying to keep my tears of happiness from falling. Scared not to scare you...Afraid not to do much more than you want me to do....None of us could stop...none of us could push the other one away...We'd kissed, and smiled during kissing and hugged and smiled again and talked and caressed each other...It seemed as if we were trying to get back in 24 hours what we've missed in the last 3 months...
I don't remember when I fell asleep...I only remember that I did it for the first time in your arms...I felt us merging and making one. And I never wanted to wake up again....

The first morning....

You trying to sleep...me drinking the coffee with Sis and still wondering if it is real. I came back in bed near you...again in your arms, again letting my head rest on your chest. Your wonderful smile was making me feel I am in Heaven. Never before had I wanted so much to wake up every morning near the same person. Never before have I wished to have kids with somebody, not only because my maternal feelings are developing but because I think that this would be the ultimate bond between us. The confirmation of our love...The hours were passing by...We felt no hunger though every hour we were planning to dress up and go out for lunch...But it was too good to move...Too good to end it. I said 'I love you' without any effort...it just came to me natural, obvious, easily as I was looking in your eyes...I've seen waves of happiness growing inside you...

The leaving...

The silence had covered us. What could I have said more? I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want it to end...Both in the subway, trying to hold back tears and the pain inside me. Like thousands of knifes stabbing me. Physically, everything hurt...I had wished I could just hang on you and never have to go away. Shaking, sad, having the feeling that nothing can go well without you. But somehow your eyes, your smile, your kisses made me strong and confident. I knew that that was just the beginning. One last kiss, one last smile, one last "I love you"...I ran on the stairs and called a friend to make sure that I will keep on talking and not start crying in the middle of the street. From the second you left, I started counting the days until we had to meet again...and they were only 4...though it seemed an eternity...

No other eyes have looked at me like this...No other moment did I feel more loved and wanted...No distance in the Universe can ever keep us separated....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 4) - Before the airport

Just....

Time: 9 hours, 36 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+Clounds+soft wind+13 degrees Celsius
Mood: Anxiety ..... Huge levels...excited....soft knees...smile
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, shower,  packing
Music: Porcupine Tree -Hatesong
: Picture


The other way is better than no way....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 3)

Wings...sun...hours...sky...screams...guns...alone...just...fuck...again...past...future..you..us...me...calm...beats...drums...electric guitar...silence...argue...love...job...home...

I have no idea how this thoughts got into my mind and wrote themselves with my hands. I have the strange feeling of turning on the other side. Like a piece of cloth...My inside is getting outside, hiding the surface and letting everything release....I feel like  paint going down the canvas and I am looking for my brush to put me in the right shape...idea...dream.

I feel curved...I feel bending...I feel breaking and putting myself back together within a second. Strange, and funny...This is the good bad. This is me coming to you in the same time with you coming to me...this is joining...angels and demons, disaster and happiness...I love you,  I love you, I love you....I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Now SCREAM!

Time: 1 Day, 3 hours, 20 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+12 degrees Celsius
Mood: butterflies in my stomach (I should stop eating dream-caterpillars at some point)
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, Coke, packing
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -I Could Have Lied
Picture:

The spaceship Aurora is ready to fly on Uranus and send stellar butterflies from there to you! 

NOTE: This is for you, my suffering friend. It's only you that can understand exactly how I feel. See you soon "home".

Back...to....Butterflies (part 2)

Disconnected from the reality, I follow my steps leaving marks in the grass...The Sun is hidden since yesterday, preparing me for what I will find "home"...From 20+ degrees some days ago, now I feel my hands frozen at 10. Gestures, feelings, thoughts,  merge and result in an explosion...every 5 minutes coming over decisions, over the past, over "if I should...". Panic slowly spreads it's tentacles, starting from the feet and going up, my heart beating faster with every second that passe, waiting for the moment when the plane will land.
I know now that you will be there...that after all this time "we" will be defined by other dimensions and curves...nothing will turn back at the initial point....from that moment on it's only forward and not backwards...
The crowd of clouds is getting thicker and thicker...that can't end up else than in a powerful, disturbing, cold rain. Lighting up a cigarette...A sip of coffee...maybe a short poker....maybe not...maybe some programming...not yet..some English course...after I post...minutes...more minutes...transforming into hours, into days, into dreams, into challenge, into a bunch of ideas and understandings.
.....
The drops of rain smash against the window as hard as the drops of tears smash against the soul. I follow the cigarette smoke raising up to the ceiling...Looking in front but not seeing anything...letting my fingers find there way on the keyboard and transposing the inside...I laugh sometimes...I am thoughtful most of the time....My brain refuses to focus on anything but "coming home"....

Time: 2 Days, 3 hours, 18 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Rain+Clouds+10 Celsius
Mood: panic, calm, scared, excited, happy (somehow, though I still don't really know the definition of this word)
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, drinking coffee, programming, English tests
Music: Porcupine Tree - Anesthetize
Picture:

This is the last train to wherever...the journey may begin....If there is anybody waiting for me in the station? No. The question is if there will be anybody to go in the same train as me to enjoy the ride! :)

Back...to....Butterflies (part 1)

Soon...I will be there...what will you do? Will you be there? For what?
Mixed emotions and thoughts...This going back to my "by default home" gives me shivers of different qualities: cold, hot, good, bad, joyful, disastrous, infinite... Once again I stand at the crossroads and I wait for what might come. But this time, calmly, accepting my emotions, not trying to understand more than they really are, smiling at the beautiful sun....mature...
Wine, whiskey, pot, laughs, cries, lost memories brought back, sex, whiskey, tequila, more pot, more sex, feelings, looks, goodbyes, good-mornings, storm, wind, motorcycles, noise, mother-tongue - LIFE.
 

Time: 4 Days and 4 hours before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+Rain+Clouds+10 Celsius
Mood: neutral -> nervous
Activity: programming, poker, eRepublik, chat, messenger, Facebook
Music: Katatonia
Picture:

It's "us" like in "the Universe" US.......

I feel like....

...writing ... calling ... drinking Leffe Dark ... smoking ... drinking RedBull ... smoking something else ... singing ... listening kravitz, and muse and massive and nirvana and metallica and floyd .... bonobo..waldeck...watching Dexter (the series not 's Laboratory :D) ... going fast on a Honda Repsol...seeing you....having you...

Gravity inside me goes upside down....all this nothingness is making more noise than ever....every little corner is an immensity of secrets. 


Doesn't matter...I am changing and I am changing together with you. This is not a journal. This is not a letter for a specific receiver...who feels is..knows it..

 Next time I don't wanna cry because you don't love me anymore...next time I want to cry because you won't fuck me anymore!

Reverse

What I wrote was: "The kid needs you from different reasons...I grow older later than you do...someday we will be "non-humans" in the same space and time....I like you when you are "non-human"...
What you wrote: "No excesses, ok, kid?"
 Countdown(ing) gets the time reversed and spots of seconds start going faster on FFWD (for those who don't know: fast forward) ... The emptiness of the heart doesn't come from the emptiness of the mind, but the other way around. Everything starts going backwards at some point. Forces drag you, me, us, the World, bringing you, me, us, the World to the point where the mistakes have been done.
 Japan, Libya, London, Rome, Paris, U.S., Russia, China, war, earthquake, blood, bombs, chains, weapons, hate, internal terror, spring, blossom, clean air, birds, flowers, green..black..white..gray...end...start...reverse.
I find you after ages, as a beautiful mistake that none of us should have done....I find you as you should have been at one point...I find you reversed...
"Go back and find the pattern....afterwords, touch the margins and look for the imperfections...if it's there, repair it...it's superficial...if you don't find it, go deeper, towards the center....after you find it, be sure that you can make some plastic surgery to get rid of the scar. Come on, woman! You are in the Plastic Surgery century! Boobs, asses, noses, lips, hips, bellies, eyes, sexuality,sensuality, minds, souls, EVERYTHING can be upgraded..." (From: "Dialog with myself - stories that are not to be told" - maybe some day I will really start writing this book.Me.)

When is the end and when is the beginning? If everything tends towards circularity, there is no start and finish...just a continuous circle of wrongs and rights that for sure will never reach an equilibrium, leading to the birth of a spiral...That is why, my reversed friend, there are no excesses, I am not a kid anymore and non-humanity is what keeps us still in the blow of the wind.

P.S. THC, C2H5OH, neurons, influences, cells....see why I chose biochemistry? I can do practice on myself :)
P.P.S. Poker, fajitas, Jack Daniels, good shit, you...and the rest doesn't matter....I'm coming...



This is sexy....

This is the last smile I fake....

Open....refresh....close...open...new post....Tangled words that pass through my mind...To write...for what? What difference would it make? Illusions gone in the four corners of the Universe... Iloveyou's that never meant anything to you. Careless games from which none of us won...Faked smiles and souls transforming in demons, fallen angels and disasters. Internal noise and fights, pain, more pain, tears transforming into drops of deep red blood. Nothingness and disillusion... Words that cut like paper...thin...deep...just in the middle of the soul, leaving scars that never heal, always reminding that you've passed by...Memories of butterflies flying over the sea...Dreams of you and me running on the beach and holding each others hand.
On the dusty road, all that remains is you, with the sad look, turning away from me...Wet drops falling on my check and making small spots on the sand...This time I am not calling you anymore...I am not trying to stop you anymore...There are different roads that lay before us...And this is my last smile:
"To my butterfly...
Spread your beautiful blue wings and fly towards the Sun. I am spreading my red wings and will fly towards the Sea. It's our last trip around the Universe, but this time we will not touch our antennas anymore...From up there where you will be, never turn your look towards down. I will fly parallel to the water surface and will try not to look up...
I love you, with all the stupid mistakes you've done, with all your fear, with all your emptiness and sadness...I love you when you hurt me and when you make me smile just with one short look...I love you only as a butterfly can love and can be loved.
No World will be more beautiful than the one that you showed me...No tears will hurt as much as the ones I cried for you in so many time...
I love you, butterfly...But butterflies die fast...And 1+1=1, as you showed me....So fly now..Out of my life...thoughts...emotions...

With all my love,
Another butterfly"

In the hands of faith, we are just pieces of the puzzle....somewhere...somehow...in another life...under some other sky.

Question....

Where shall I go? To the left where nothing's right? To the right where nothing's left? Or just stick in the middle and keep hoping that at some point I will receive some kind of sign ? Or that somebody will ask for me from one of the sides ? 

The is no more straight way forward. Left or right ? Good or bad ? Sinner or saint ? I am frozen and empty...there are no more tears to cry, just a deep internal shout that is trying to get out but it just can't. I am erasing dreams and illusions. Exactly as I would take a scalpel and make a 10 cm incision on the middle of my chest, pulling out my soul. 

I cannot move my legs in any direction...I try to make baby steps but I just keep on falling and hurting myself. I am searching the sky with wide opened eyes, hoping that the rain that falls on my face will wash everything...I feel pain and sadness...I feel the end and the impossible. I am thinking right but I am feeling left. 

Yes, I can survive without butterflies...but it's useless and colorless. I am not feeling safe in your arms anymore...but I still hold on you. I know I have to go. I know that this time it is impossible...And still...

I am still smiling when you smile. I am still dreaming butterflies. I am still missing you when you're gone...I am still..loving you more and more, without boundaries or limits, without right or wrong, without should or shouldn't, without reason and without hope...So tell me, now, where shall I go? Left...Right...

Mime...

Even in different dimensions, the center of equilibrium  is still the same. The circles of energy are concentric, only the distance from the center is modified. And that is exactly what happens with us. I still gravitate around you, but you start developing more and more circles of energy, sending me further and further. You don't reject me out of the circles....you just create a distance...
Miming the existence and the feelings, struggling and screaming of pain, I find myself in a vortex that doesn't suck me in, but throws me out. Or better, you are going down, and I can't reach you anymore because of the forces that keeps me away. Like two magnets that reject themselves. I am pushing myself to reach you, to touch you, to catch your hand again...but you stopped trying. You stopped fighting...
I see you closing your eyes and letting yourself falling...What disturbs me is that you seem to enjoy it...And that is when I wonder what was my use in your life? What is the definition of me in your mind?
I mimed butterflies flying above the sea looking for hope. I mimed a man being at the end of the life, facing death with the smile on his face. And I managed to transmit exactly what I was imagining to people that I have never seen before.

We have no end and no beginning.

Life must be lived as a play. - Plato

 

Things in My Mind

I want to write...I have no idea what, but I feel overloaded with things. Days alternating in moods and nights alternating in dreams and nightmares, people that appear and disappear from my life with the speed of light, everything moving too fast and giving me less and less time to understand, get me tired. And bored. Make me feel like I just want to stop in the middle of the madness and rest here, between the four white walls.

I've always had the tendency to care more about others than about me. Moreover, I exhaust myself trying to save lost causes. To look for the ones who head towards disaster and to save them. The problem is that by trying to reach them, I myself am getting closer and closer to the disaster. I give them my warm and shinny place and I step instead of them in the bad, ugly, sick spot.

I am changing completely, step by step. I become mean, cynic, indifferent towards everyone and everything. including myself.

I stopped writing. I am re-reading the last sentence...Somehow I am stuck....My butterfly had some harsh days and now is hiding....and I hate him when he does that...because I feel useless and unneeded...I can't even write anymore....

Simply LOVE... (Letter for a butterfly)

"Dear Butterfly,

The definitions of love simply don't count...It's not about being identical, but about being different enough to complete each other. Being in love can and should change one's view on life. There is no distance or time that matters. Love goes beyond a touch or a physical connection. Love is when you can still smile after a stupid fight, when you fall asleep knowing that the one you love is there for you, no matter how far. Love is when you have bad days, but thinking of the special one makes everything brighter.

I love every color and shape of the Universe, just because you are part of it. There is a storm of good feelings that you can start in me every time you fly around me...I did not and will never try to catch you. You need your space and freedom ...I just know that you will always be here to make me smile...to make me shine.


Living in a World that goes round to fast sometimes and doesn't let one enjoy the warmth of sun, I look after you in my mind. Each time when you are in other space and time than me, I just close my eyes and believe that one day you will sit on my hand and rest. There are places and things that both of us want to discover. Rolling on different highways and at different speeds, we are searching for the most amazing dreams one could have.

You give me trust. In me, in you, in our World and everything that surrounds us. You showed me that the center of the Universe may change anytime. That there are no boundaries to love and happiness. From your smooth flight, I learned how to lean on my back, take a deep breath and move slowly forward, secure and safe, smiling at everything, bad or good.

You can be miles away from me. You can be almost untouchable, unreachable...But you showed me in so many times that even so, when you feel I am missing you with every particle of myself, you find a way to let me know that you follow every step of me...That you will never let me fall again....

Thank you, Butterfly. In another World, in another time, I will be a butterfly too, and we will fly together over the beautiful Sea...at least once. I love you!"

P.S. I have a cloud of butterflies in my life, helping me stand. Showing me the wonderful World I am living in. And never letting me fall. Thanks, friends!

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”- F. Nietzsche

Butterfly...

I feel like a butterfly trapped in a butterflies net. Stop all of you fools, to believe I am happy ... or I've ever been.

Just because I fell at the entrance, it doesn't mean that I cannot get up and knock again. Sometimes, actually this is just what we need to do in order to see that maybe we are not on the right way of life. Sometimes we just have to fall and than get up, and rediscover the World. Rediscover ourselves. So what if I lost the phone with all the phone numbers inside, some of them of which probably I shouldn't even have memorized? Maybe that was the way in which Life tells me that I should get rid of whoever is not near me. Maybe is just a way in which I am born again. I shake. I started shaking some years ago. But now I feel I am stabilizing...or somehow. I don't like what I do...I don't want to do science. Science is dirty. I want something else. Some thing that stimulates my adrenaline level. Something that can make me happy.

I lost all my past. Now, I am recovering from it only what still matters. I don't know what will happen this year, but it will be something big. I re-fell in love with butterflies. I did forget how happy butterflies can be.

Today was sunny and bright. I laughed on my stupid weekend. I looked at the sky and smiled at the Universe. "I am stronger than You think!"



                                                          

Ideas

The World is just a bunch of molecules, glued together in different shapes and forms. What makes us different from each other is something much higher than matter. Soul doesn't have shape. And still it hurts and it feels good and cries and laughs.

I have a yellow cactus ... A yellow cactus that doesn't sting...The only alive thing in my whole room except me...well, I guess the yellow cactus is much alive than I am...but still, I breath. Surrounded by 4 walls, I am searching to escape in a different World. Where loneliness is forbidden.

I am thinking to thank "somebody" for not saying anything about last night. Even if I wished he did, I know is better like this. He knows better.

Everybody is chilling around....I have to read but my eyes hurt and I don't feel like reading protein shits. I just wanna chill to...he is "there"...at least tonight I don't want to be disturbed from my total zen (with butterflies, of course).

UPDATE: If I would tell you that I haven't slept alone in 5 years, that everything around seems to fall apart, that sometimes my heart hurts so bad that I feel like ripping my heart out of the chest with my own little  hands, I would fall apart. And I don't have time to fall apart.  
Good night!

I am so fucking drunk...(I)

Mmmmyeah...cocktail party at Sara's .... I'm drunk. I told somebody I love you. Even though is I need you.
What is this life? Playing Tokio and drinking cocktails made by you? Sorry...bad night. My "eyebrow raising" guy is sick and not talking. probably sleeping...I miss him. And I miss a whole bunch of other things. Like...butterflies and the sea....
This is an unfinished post...there will be more....

Morning edit: Surprisingly no headache. Not many memories also, though I feel I did something wrong and I just made somebody run far far away...Actually this is what I do always...Sorry...

Ready to give up everything for science?

I do science....I always did. At 4 I was wondering what is cirrhosis and why did it kill my Grandpa. Then I started asking why the Moon and Sun can't be together in the same time and why clouds have animal shapes. At around 7-8 I discovered  the Sea and I was wondering what is underneath. At 20 I started scuba diving and at 24 I became Rescue Diver, certified by PADI. At 10 I was focusing on learning more English (which I always considered to be as my mother tongue)...I also found out that I hate maths. At 13 I was discovering Chemistry and started making research on everything around. Since than, everything became just a bunch of molecules and atoms and chemical symbols. Until 19 I also traced tennis, volleyball, bungee jumping, climbing, cigarettes, coffee, red bull, marijuana, whiskey, computers, internet, messenger, drama, running away from home, studying birds, AIDS, Politics, money, Europe, the sky, Einstein, Camus, Cioran, Rebreanu, Hugo, Prevert, Shakespeare, Metallica, Nirvana, AC/DC, Manowar....
Uff...memories are hard sometimes... From 19 on everything "developed". I gave up some of the things and added some extra power to the others. Biochemistry, best friend, more whiskey and cigarettes and marijuana, more sex, more tears, more broken heart, confusion, stress, knee surgery, the one, the rest, Luxembourg, disasters, fear and...love.
I analyzed every fucking small piece of things around or in my life. So bad and so eager to discover everything that I lost the track. I had my own "story" about science. Until I really got deeply inside it. Until I understood that even here, in science, the main goal is not to save the humanity, but to race for the Gold Medal. The money. 2000 € if you want to publish your discovery (that might cure the World) in a magazine. Full stop. So better be dumb and with money than smart and without money. NOTHING and I say NOTHING is more important, sacred, powerful, deep than that. No, I will never be able to do science as I think of science...Real science is not so funny. Real life neither.
So, decision time. There are two possibilities: give up life for science and play the dirty rules of it in order to get on the top of the pile with money (and it's not a metaphor), or have a normal, basic, quiet, middle, "in the parameters" life, maybe getting also the big pile of money before the first signs of Alzheimer, when you can spend them on something more than funerals?
Science doesn't include love, drama, emotional shakes of equilibrium, warm souls and stuff like this. Only towards it. Science must be the reason to wake up and to work continuously....more hours than a day has. Constantly alert and never disturbed by the "outside" environment. Science requires two types of men for a woman that has to be on top: either the chief, but as a lover not as a wife (yes, men can do crazy things to save their marriages), which would allow a nice equilibrium between hard sex and hard work, either "the dog" that never says nothing and just waits for her always with the dinner, looks incredibly hot, makes great sex, is smart enough not to get bored at breakfast, earning nice money and taking care of the beautiful kids (whom of course she wouldn't even know too much and forgets their names). But the "supreme science woman" has them both.
Outside science is love. And suffering, breaking, crying, desiring, dreaming, french kissing, making love, smelling perfume, reading love stories, "hearing" the music, falling in love, enjoying each minute of your kids life, knowing not only the names but also some 10 other nicknames. Outside science women can have the one that breaks their hearts millions of times and they still love him and the one that makes her World going round only by breathing around her. And surprisingly, both scenarios can be found in one man in the same time...Outside science are butterflies that one doesn't have to analyze, decompose, reduce them to one single cell or a list of DNA sequences........


Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself. - E. Cioran

1+1=1. Always...

Lost in a World of nonsense I fell that my thoughts don't fit in my brain anymore. So I have to spit it out..or write it out...So..Here is me, taking the last train to wherever. I don't know where it stops...but it seems I meet nice people in this trip. And I am completely changing my life from one day to another. I can't be sure of anything and I feel like a blind man trying to cross the street. Sometimes, somebody knows how and when to raise his eyebrow and smile and helps me to get on the other side. Sometimes I sleep on my friend's couch while doing "girls small talking"...But most of the times I stick between the four walls of my room, only with my big elephant with pink years and "the cow". I have feelings and thoughts. More than I should. More than it's allowed in this World, in this Time. I have learned so many times that 1+1=1. And this makes me feel uncomfortable on this Planet. 

Confused, like a baby,  I am searching for something...for me. Maybe one day I will read this again and I will laugh. Maybe one day I will find myself again.

Welcome, I guess! :)