...writing ... calling ... drinking Leffe Dark ... smoking ... drinking RedBull ... smoking something else ... singing ... listening kravitz, and muse and massive and nirvana and metallica and floyd .... bonobo..waldeck...watching Dexter (the series not 's Laboratory :D) ... going fast on a Honda Repsol...seeing you....having you...
Gravity inside me goes upside down....all this nothingness is making more noise than ever....every little corner is an immensity of secrets.
Doesn't matter...I am changing and I am changing together with you. This is not a journal. This is not a letter for a specific receiver...who feels is..knows it..
Next time I don't wanna cry because you don't love me anymore...next time I want to cry because you won't fuck me anymore!
What I wrote was: "The kid needs you from different reasons...I grow older later than you do...someday we will be "non-humans" in the same space and time....I like you when you are "non-human"...
What you wrote: "No excesses, ok, kid?"
Countdown(ing) gets the time reversed and spots of seconds start going faster on FFWD (for those who don't know: fast forward) ... The emptiness of the heart doesn't come from the emptiness of the mind, but the other way around. Everything starts going backwards at some point. Forces drag you, me, us, the World, bringing you, me, us, the World to the point where the mistakes have been done.
Japan, Libya, London, Rome, Paris, U.S., Russia, China, war, earthquake, blood, bombs, chains, weapons, hate, internal terror, spring, blossom, clean air, birds, flowers, green..black..white..gray...end...start...reverse.
I find you after ages, as a beautiful mistake that none of us should have done....I find you as you should have been at one point...I find you reversed...
"Go back and find the pattern....afterwords, touch the margins and look for the imperfections...if it's there, repair it...it's superficial...if you don't find it, go deeper, towards the center....after you find it, be sure that you can make some plastic surgery to get rid of the scar. Come on, woman! You are in the Plastic Surgery century! Boobs, asses, noses, lips, hips, bellies, eyes, sexuality,sensuality, minds, souls, EVERYTHING can be upgraded..." (From: "Dialog with myself - stories that are not to be told" - maybe some day I will really start writing this book.Me.)
When is the end and when is the beginning? If everything tends towards circularity, there is no start and finish...just a continuous circle of wrongs and rights that for sure will never reach an equilibrium, leading to the birth of a spiral...That is why, my reversed friend, there are no excesses, I am not a kid anymore and non-humanity is what keeps us still in the blow of the wind.
P.S. THC, C2H5OH, neurons, influences, cells....see why I chose biochemistry? I can do practice on myself :) P.P.S. Poker, fajitas, Jack Daniels, good shit, you...and the rest doesn't matter....I'm coming...
Open....refresh....close...open...new post....Tangled words that pass through my mind...To write...for what? What difference would it make? Illusions gone in the four corners of the Universe... Iloveyou's that never meant anything to you. Careless games from which none of us won...Faked smiles and souls transforming in demons, fallen angels and disasters. Internal noise and fights, pain, more pain, tears transforming into drops of deep red blood. Nothingness and disillusion... Words that cut like paper...thin...deep...just in the middle of the soul, leaving scars that never heal, always reminding that you've passed by...Memories of butterflies flying over the sea...Dreams of you and me running on the beach and holding each others hand.
On the dusty road, all that remains is you, with the sad look, turning away from me...Wet drops falling on my check and making small spots on the sand...This time I am not calling you anymore...I am not trying to stop you anymore...There are different roads that lay before us...And this is my last smile:
"To my butterfly...
Spread your beautiful blue wings and fly towards the Sun. I am spreading my red wings and will fly towards the Sea. It's our last trip around the Universe, but this time we will not touch our antennas anymore...From up there where you will be, never turn your look towards down. I will fly parallel to the water surface and will try not to look up...
I love you, with all the stupid mistakes you've done, with all your fear, with all your emptiness and sadness...I love you when you hurt me and when you make me smile just with one short look...I love you only as a butterfly can love and can be loved.
No World will be more beautiful than the one that you showed me...No tears will hurt as much as the ones I cried for you in so many time...
I love you, butterfly...But butterflies die fast...And 1+1=1, as you showed me....So fly now..Out of my life...thoughts...emotions...
With all my love,
Another butterfly"
In the hands of faith, we are just pieces of the puzzle....somewhere...somehow...in another life...under some other sky.
Where shall I go? To the left where nothing's right? To the right where nothing's left? Or just stick in the middle and keep hoping that at some point I will receive some kind of sign ? Or that somebody will ask for me from one of the sides ?
The is no more straight way forward. Left or right ? Good or bad ? Sinner or saint ? I am frozen and empty...there are no more tears to cry, just a deep internal shout that is trying to get out but it just can't. I am erasing dreams and illusions. Exactly as I would take a scalpel and make a 10 cm incision on the middle of my chest, pulling out my soul.
I cannot move my legs in any direction...I try to make baby steps but I just keep on falling and hurting myself. I am searching the sky with wide opened eyes, hoping that the rain that falls on my face will wash everything...I feel pain and sadness...I feel the end and the impossible. I am thinking right but I am feeling left.
Yes, I can survive without butterflies...but it's useless and colorless. I am not feeling safe in your arms anymore...but I still hold on you. I know I have to go. I know that this time it is impossible...And still...
I am still smiling when you smile. I am still dreaming butterflies. I am still missing you when you're gone...I am still..loving you more and more, without boundaries or limits, without right or wrong, without should or shouldn't, without reason and without hope...So tell me, now, where shall I go? Left...Right...
Even in different dimensions, the center of equilibrium is still the same. The circles of energy are concentric, only the distance from the center is modified. And that is exactly what happens with us. I still gravitate around you, but you start developing more and more circles of energy, sending me further and further. You don't reject me out of the circles....you just create a distance...
Miming the existence and the feelings, struggling and screaming of pain, I find myself in a vortex that doesn't suck me in, but throws me out. Or better, you are going down, and I can't reach you anymore because of the forces that keeps me away. Like two magnets that reject themselves. I am pushing myself to reach you, to touch you, to catch your hand again...but you stopped trying. You stopped fighting...
I see you closing your eyes and letting yourself falling...What disturbs me is that you seem to enjoy it...And that is when I wonder what was my use in your life? What is the definition of me in your mind?
I mimed butterflies flying above the sea looking for hope. I mimed a man being at the end of the life, facing death with the smile on his face. And I managed to transmit exactly what I was imagining to people that I have never seen before.
