Breaking the Limits

First look...first touch...

The eyes of the lost soul stared at me for minutes. None of us could react for some minutes and we just kept watching each other, not believing that we are real. We were not hearing the crowd around us, but we were searching each others hand...First the small fingers started playing and all the fireworks in the World exploded inside me in the second when I felt his touch...For months now I have imagined how it would be...his touch...his skin...his smell...the first limit was broken...

Sharing the bed for the first time...first kiss...

Your arms around my hips...your lips...your hand going gently up on my back...your fingers in my hair...your tongue...the smile...I was trying to keep my tears of happiness from falling. Scared not to scare you...Afraid not to do much more than you want me to do....None of us could stop...none of us could push the other one away...We'd kissed, and smiled during kissing and hugged and smiled again and talked and caressed each other...It seemed as if we were trying to get back in 24 hours what we've missed in the last 3 months...
I don't remember when I fell asleep...I only remember that I did it for the first time in your arms...I felt us merging and making one. And I never wanted to wake up again....

The first morning....

You trying to sleep...me drinking the coffee with Sis and still wondering if it is real. I came back in bed near you...again in your arms, again letting my head rest on your chest. Your wonderful smile was making me feel I am in Heaven. Never before had I wanted so much to wake up every morning near the same person. Never before have I wished to have kids with somebody, not only because my maternal feelings are developing but because I think that this would be the ultimate bond between us. The confirmation of our love...The hours were passing by...We felt no hunger though every hour we were planning to dress up and go out for lunch...But it was too good to move...Too good to end it. I said 'I love you' without any effort...it just came to me natural, obvious, easily as I was looking in your eyes...I've seen waves of happiness growing inside you...

The leaving...

The silence had covered us. What could I have said more? I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want it to end...Both in the subway, trying to hold back tears and the pain inside me. Like thousands of knifes stabbing me. Physically, everything hurt...I had wished I could just hang on you and never have to go away. Shaking, sad, having the feeling that nothing can go well without you. But somehow your eyes, your smile, your kisses made me strong and confident. I knew that that was just the beginning. One last kiss, one last smile, one last "I love you"...I ran on the stairs and called a friend to make sure that I will keep on talking and not start crying in the middle of the street. From the second you left, I started counting the days until we had to meet again...and they were only 4...though it seemed an eternity...

No other eyes have looked at me like this...No other moment did I feel more loved and wanted...No distance in the Universe can ever keep us separated....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 4) - Before the airport

Just....

Time: 9 hours, 36 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+Clounds+soft wind+13 degrees Celsius
Mood: Anxiety ..... Huge levels...excited....soft knees...smile
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, shower,  packing
Music: Porcupine Tree -Hatesong
: Picture


The other way is better than no way....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 3)

Wings...sun...hours...sky...screams...guns...alone...just...fuck...again...past...future..you..us...me...calm...beats...drums...electric guitar...silence...argue...love...job...home...

I have no idea how this thoughts got into my mind and wrote themselves with my hands. I have the strange feeling of turning on the other side. Like a piece of cloth...My inside is getting outside, hiding the surface and letting everything release....I feel like  paint going down the canvas and I am looking for my brush to put me in the right shape...idea...dream.

I feel curved...I feel bending...I feel breaking and putting myself back together within a second. Strange, and funny...This is the good bad. This is me coming to you in the same time with you coming to me...this is joining...angels and demons, disaster and happiness...I love you,  I love you, I love you....I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Now SCREAM!

Time: 1 Day, 3 hours, 20 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+12 degrees Celsius
Mood: butterflies in my stomach (I should stop eating dream-caterpillars at some point)
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, Coke, packing
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -I Could Have Lied
Picture:

The spaceship Aurora is ready to fly on Uranus and send stellar butterflies from there to you! 

NOTE: This is for you, my suffering friend. It's only you that can understand exactly how I feel. See you soon "home".

Back...to....Butterflies (part 2)

Disconnected from the reality, I follow my steps leaving marks in the grass...The Sun is hidden since yesterday, preparing me for what I will find "home"...From 20+ degrees some days ago, now I feel my hands frozen at 10. Gestures, feelings, thoughts,  merge and result in an explosion...every 5 minutes coming over decisions, over the past, over "if I should...". Panic slowly spreads it's tentacles, starting from the feet and going up, my heart beating faster with every second that passe, waiting for the moment when the plane will land.
I know now that you will be there...that after all this time "we" will be defined by other dimensions and curves...nothing will turn back at the initial point....from that moment on it's only forward and not backwards...
The crowd of clouds is getting thicker and thicker...that can't end up else than in a powerful, disturbing, cold rain. Lighting up a cigarette...A sip of coffee...maybe a short poker....maybe not...maybe some programming...not yet..some English course...after I post...minutes...more minutes...transforming into hours, into days, into dreams, into challenge, into a bunch of ideas and understandings.
.....
The drops of rain smash against the window as hard as the drops of tears smash against the soul. I follow the cigarette smoke raising up to the ceiling...Looking in front but not seeing anything...letting my fingers find there way on the keyboard and transposing the inside...I laugh sometimes...I am thoughtful most of the time....My brain refuses to focus on anything but "coming home"....

Time: 2 Days, 3 hours, 18 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Rain+Clouds+10 Celsius
Mood: panic, calm, scared, excited, happy (somehow, though I still don't really know the definition of this word)
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, drinking coffee, programming, English tests
Music: Porcupine Tree - Anesthetize
Picture:

This is the last train to wherever...the journey may begin....If there is anybody waiting for me in the station? No. The question is if there will be anybody to go in the same train as me to enjoy the ride! :)

Back...to....Butterflies (part 1)

Soon...I will be there...what will you do? Will you be there? For what?
Mixed emotions and thoughts...This going back to my "by default home" gives me shivers of different qualities: cold, hot, good, bad, joyful, disastrous, infinite... Once again I stand at the crossroads and I wait for what might come. But this time, calmly, accepting my emotions, not trying to understand more than they really are, smiling at the beautiful sun....mature...
Wine, whiskey, pot, laughs, cries, lost memories brought back, sex, whiskey, tequila, more pot, more sex, feelings, looks, goodbyes, good-mornings, storm, wind, motorcycles, noise, mother-tongue - LIFE.
 

Time: 4 Days and 4 hours before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+Rain+Clouds+10 Celsius
Mood: neutral -> nervous
Activity: programming, poker, eRepublik, chat, messenger, Facebook
Music: Katatonia
Picture:

It's "us" like in "the Universe" US.......