Things in My Mind

I want to write...I have no idea what, but I feel overloaded with things. Days alternating in moods and nights alternating in dreams and nightmares, people that appear and disappear from my life with the speed of light, everything moving too fast and giving me less and less time to understand, get me tired. And bored. Make me feel like I just want to stop in the middle of the madness and rest here, between the four white walls.

I've always had the tendency to care more about others than about me. Moreover, I exhaust myself trying to save lost causes. To look for the ones who head towards disaster and to save them. The problem is that by trying to reach them, I myself am getting closer and closer to the disaster. I give them my warm and shinny place and I step instead of them in the bad, ugly, sick spot.

I am changing completely, step by step. I become mean, cynic, indifferent towards everyone and everything. including myself.

I stopped writing. I am re-reading the last sentence...Somehow I am stuck....My butterfly had some harsh days and now is hiding....and I hate him when he does that...because I feel useless and unneeded...I can't even write anymore....

Simply LOVE... (Letter for a butterfly)

"Dear Butterfly,

The definitions of love simply don't count...It's not about being identical, but about being different enough to complete each other. Being in love can and should change one's view on life. There is no distance or time that matters. Love goes beyond a touch or a physical connection. Love is when you can still smile after a stupid fight, when you fall asleep knowing that the one you love is there for you, no matter how far. Love is when you have bad days, but thinking of the special one makes everything brighter.

I love every color and shape of the Universe, just because you are part of it. There is a storm of good feelings that you can start in me every time you fly around me...I did not and will never try to catch you. You need your space and freedom ...I just know that you will always be here to make me smile...to make me shine.


Living in a World that goes round to fast sometimes and doesn't let one enjoy the warmth of sun, I look after you in my mind. Each time when you are in other space and time than me, I just close my eyes and believe that one day you will sit on my hand and rest. There are places and things that both of us want to discover. Rolling on different highways and at different speeds, we are searching for the most amazing dreams one could have.

You give me trust. In me, in you, in our World and everything that surrounds us. You showed me that the center of the Universe may change anytime. That there are no boundaries to love and happiness. From your smooth flight, I learned how to lean on my back, take a deep breath and move slowly forward, secure and safe, smiling at everything, bad or good.

You can be miles away from me. You can be almost untouchable, unreachable...But you showed me in so many times that even so, when you feel I am missing you with every particle of myself, you find a way to let me know that you follow every step of me...That you will never let me fall again....

Thank you, Butterfly. In another World, in another time, I will be a butterfly too, and we will fly together over the beautiful Sea...at least once. I love you!"

P.S. I have a cloud of butterflies in my life, helping me stand. Showing me the wonderful World I am living in. And never letting me fall. Thanks, friends!

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”- F. Nietzsche

Butterfly...

I feel like a butterfly trapped in a butterflies net. Stop all of you fools, to believe I am happy ... or I've ever been.

Just because I fell at the entrance, it doesn't mean that I cannot get up and knock again. Sometimes, actually this is just what we need to do in order to see that maybe we are not on the right way of life. Sometimes we just have to fall and than get up, and rediscover the World. Rediscover ourselves. So what if I lost the phone with all the phone numbers inside, some of them of which probably I shouldn't even have memorized? Maybe that was the way in which Life tells me that I should get rid of whoever is not near me. Maybe is just a way in which I am born again. I shake. I started shaking some years ago. But now I feel I am stabilizing...or somehow. I don't like what I do...I don't want to do science. Science is dirty. I want something else. Some thing that stimulates my adrenaline level. Something that can make me happy.

I lost all my past. Now, I am recovering from it only what still matters. I don't know what will happen this year, but it will be something big. I re-fell in love with butterflies. I did forget how happy butterflies can be.

Today was sunny and bright. I laughed on my stupid weekend. I looked at the sky and smiled at the Universe. "I am stronger than You think!"



                                                          

Ideas

The World is just a bunch of molecules, glued together in different shapes and forms. What makes us different from each other is something much higher than matter. Soul doesn't have shape. And still it hurts and it feels good and cries and laughs.

I have a yellow cactus ... A yellow cactus that doesn't sting...The only alive thing in my whole room except me...well, I guess the yellow cactus is much alive than I am...but still, I breath. Surrounded by 4 walls, I am searching to escape in a different World. Where loneliness is forbidden.

I am thinking to thank "somebody" for not saying anything about last night. Even if I wished he did, I know is better like this. He knows better.

Everybody is chilling around....I have to read but my eyes hurt and I don't feel like reading protein shits. I just wanna chill to...he is "there"...at least tonight I don't want to be disturbed from my total zen (with butterflies, of course).

UPDATE: If I would tell you that I haven't slept alone in 5 years, that everything around seems to fall apart, that sometimes my heart hurts so bad that I feel like ripping my heart out of the chest with my own little  hands, I would fall apart. And I don't have time to fall apart.  
Good night!

I am so fucking drunk...(I)

Mmmmyeah...cocktail party at Sara's .... I'm drunk. I told somebody I love you. Even though is I need you.
What is this life? Playing Tokio and drinking cocktails made by you? Sorry...bad night. My "eyebrow raising" guy is sick and not talking. probably sleeping...I miss him. And I miss a whole bunch of other things. Like...butterflies and the sea....
This is an unfinished post...there will be more....

Morning edit: Surprisingly no headache. Not many memories also, though I feel I did something wrong and I just made somebody run far far away...Actually this is what I do always...Sorry...

Ready to give up everything for science?

I do science....I always did. At 4 I was wondering what is cirrhosis and why did it kill my Grandpa. Then I started asking why the Moon and Sun can't be together in the same time and why clouds have animal shapes. At around 7-8 I discovered  the Sea and I was wondering what is underneath. At 20 I started scuba diving and at 24 I became Rescue Diver, certified by PADI. At 10 I was focusing on learning more English (which I always considered to be as my mother tongue)...I also found out that I hate maths. At 13 I was discovering Chemistry and started making research on everything around. Since than, everything became just a bunch of molecules and atoms and chemical symbols. Until 19 I also traced tennis, volleyball, bungee jumping, climbing, cigarettes, coffee, red bull, marijuana, whiskey, computers, internet, messenger, drama, running away from home, studying birds, AIDS, Politics, money, Europe, the sky, Einstein, Camus, Cioran, Rebreanu, Hugo, Prevert, Shakespeare, Metallica, Nirvana, AC/DC, Manowar....
Uff...memories are hard sometimes... From 19 on everything "developed". I gave up some of the things and added some extra power to the others. Biochemistry, best friend, more whiskey and cigarettes and marijuana, more sex, more tears, more broken heart, confusion, stress, knee surgery, the one, the rest, Luxembourg, disasters, fear and...love.
I analyzed every fucking small piece of things around or in my life. So bad and so eager to discover everything that I lost the track. I had my own "story" about science. Until I really got deeply inside it. Until I understood that even here, in science, the main goal is not to save the humanity, but to race for the Gold Medal. The money. 2000 € if you want to publish your discovery (that might cure the World) in a magazine. Full stop. So better be dumb and with money than smart and without money. NOTHING and I say NOTHING is more important, sacred, powerful, deep than that. No, I will never be able to do science as I think of science...Real science is not so funny. Real life neither.
So, decision time. There are two possibilities: give up life for science and play the dirty rules of it in order to get on the top of the pile with money (and it's not a metaphor), or have a normal, basic, quiet, middle, "in the parameters" life, maybe getting also the big pile of money before the first signs of Alzheimer, when you can spend them on something more than funerals?
Science doesn't include love, drama, emotional shakes of equilibrium, warm souls and stuff like this. Only towards it. Science must be the reason to wake up and to work continuously....more hours than a day has. Constantly alert and never disturbed by the "outside" environment. Science requires two types of men for a woman that has to be on top: either the chief, but as a lover not as a wife (yes, men can do crazy things to save their marriages), which would allow a nice equilibrium between hard sex and hard work, either "the dog" that never says nothing and just waits for her always with the dinner, looks incredibly hot, makes great sex, is smart enough not to get bored at breakfast, earning nice money and taking care of the beautiful kids (whom of course she wouldn't even know too much and forgets their names). But the "supreme science woman" has them both.
Outside science is love. And suffering, breaking, crying, desiring, dreaming, french kissing, making love, smelling perfume, reading love stories, "hearing" the music, falling in love, enjoying each minute of your kids life, knowing not only the names but also some 10 other nicknames. Outside science women can have the one that breaks their hearts millions of times and they still love him and the one that makes her World going round only by breathing around her. And surprisingly, both scenarios can be found in one man in the same time...Outside science are butterflies that one doesn't have to analyze, decompose, reduce them to one single cell or a list of DNA sequences........


Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself. - E. Cioran

1+1=1. Always...

Lost in a World of nonsense I fell that my thoughts don't fit in my brain anymore. So I have to spit it out..or write it out...So..Here is me, taking the last train to wherever. I don't know where it stops...but it seems I meet nice people in this trip. And I am completely changing my life from one day to another. I can't be sure of anything and I feel like a blind man trying to cross the street. Sometimes, somebody knows how and when to raise his eyebrow and smile and helps me to get on the other side. Sometimes I sleep on my friend's couch while doing "girls small talking"...But most of the times I stick between the four walls of my room, only with my big elephant with pink years and "the cow". I have feelings and thoughts. More than I should. More than it's allowed in this World, in this Time. I have learned so many times that 1+1=1. And this makes me feel uncomfortable on this Planet. 

Confused, like a baby,  I am searching for something...for me. Maybe one day I will read this again and I will laugh. Maybe one day I will find myself again.

Welcome, I guess! :)