Ready to give up everything for science?

I do science....I always did. At 4 I was wondering what is cirrhosis and why did it kill my Grandpa. Then I started asking why the Moon and Sun can't be together in the same time and why clouds have animal shapes. At around 7-8 I discovered  the Sea and I was wondering what is underneath. At 20 I started scuba diving and at 24 I became Rescue Diver, certified by PADI. At 10 I was focusing on learning more English (which I always considered to be as my mother tongue)...I also found out that I hate maths. At 13 I was discovering Chemistry and started making research on everything around. Since than, everything became just a bunch of molecules and atoms and chemical symbols. Until 19 I also traced tennis, volleyball, bungee jumping, climbing, cigarettes, coffee, red bull, marijuana, whiskey, computers, internet, messenger, drama, running away from home, studying birds, AIDS, Politics, money, Europe, the sky, Einstein, Camus, Cioran, Rebreanu, Hugo, Prevert, Shakespeare, Metallica, Nirvana, AC/DC, Manowar....
Uff...memories are hard sometimes... From 19 on everything "developed". I gave up some of the things and added some extra power to the others. Biochemistry, best friend, more whiskey and cigarettes and marijuana, more sex, more tears, more broken heart, confusion, stress, knee surgery, the one, the rest, Luxembourg, disasters, fear and...love.
I analyzed every fucking small piece of things around or in my life. So bad and so eager to discover everything that I lost the track. I had my own "story" about science. Until I really got deeply inside it. Until I understood that even here, in science, the main goal is not to save the humanity, but to race for the Gold Medal. The money. 2000 € if you want to publish your discovery (that might cure the World) in a magazine. Full stop. So better be dumb and with money than smart and without money. NOTHING and I say NOTHING is more important, sacred, powerful, deep than that. No, I will never be able to do science as I think of science...Real science is not so funny. Real life neither.
So, decision time. There are two possibilities: give up life for science and play the dirty rules of it in order to get on the top of the pile with money (and it's not a metaphor), or have a normal, basic, quiet, middle, "in the parameters" life, maybe getting also the big pile of money before the first signs of Alzheimer, when you can spend them on something more than funerals?
Science doesn't include love, drama, emotional shakes of equilibrium, warm souls and stuff like this. Only towards it. Science must be the reason to wake up and to work continuously....more hours than a day has. Constantly alert and never disturbed by the "outside" environment. Science requires two types of men for a woman that has to be on top: either the chief, but as a lover not as a wife (yes, men can do crazy things to save their marriages), which would allow a nice equilibrium between hard sex and hard work, either "the dog" that never says nothing and just waits for her always with the dinner, looks incredibly hot, makes great sex, is smart enough not to get bored at breakfast, earning nice money and taking care of the beautiful kids (whom of course she wouldn't even know too much and forgets their names). But the "supreme science woman" has them both.
Outside science is love. And suffering, breaking, crying, desiring, dreaming, french kissing, making love, smelling perfume, reading love stories, "hearing" the music, falling in love, enjoying each minute of your kids life, knowing not only the names but also some 10 other nicknames. Outside science women can have the one that breaks their hearts millions of times and they still love him and the one that makes her World going round only by breathing around her. And surprisingly, both scenarios can be found in one man in the same time...Outside science are butterflies that one doesn't have to analyze, decompose, reduce them to one single cell or a list of DNA sequences........


Chaos is rejecting all you have learned, Chaos is being yourself. - E. Cioran