After the end...(the final way of saying "I love you",,,)

...can be nothing. Or can be the last struggle to start it all over again. I chose the second method. The nothingness seems a little bit too limited and in consequence, too boring for me. This, besides the fact that I consider that all the states of the mind and the soul should be felt at least once in a life time. Including the extremes. The extreme happiness and the extreme sorrow. And to survive all of them...Than, you become complete....and than there can be...nothing.

The 2 pictures with you are still in the electronic frame's memory..I see them sometimes, when I shuffle through it. It seems like ages since you took your decisions, though there are only some days...Everything changed...Including me. All that is left from us, is a pale shadow of pain which is pushing me from time to time, when I loose myself in memories. It's far too late to know if your decision was good or bad...I've never hidden from you my strong side. That part of me that can turn off feelings and can just go with the flow. There were times when I wished you will never get to see it, feel it, stand it...I know, it's hard. And yes, I know you are hurt...and if there was any reason why I never wanted to let it go, this was the first one. I guess you feel it every time I am not...alone...because those are the only times when you are letting me know you still exist.  But it was you who made the choice for both of us...

The child opened his fist and the butterfly flew ... he followed it with his eyes and turned to his mother. "It is gone...But it was so beautiful, mum!" and a tear rolls on his red chick...."My child, but you don't have to cry....that's how it has to be...this is how butterflies are. They are meant to fly as much as they can, to make the Sun smile and the sky blue..."...

There is only one way to see what is after the end. By living it. Now, after all this disaster, after all the breaking and emptiness, I am recovering...in a way or another. Patiently, taking every piece of my soul and trying to put it back together. There are a lot of pieces missing...But I am strong enough to make it, even without a center. So just...forget everything, but this "One day, we will lay back on the sand and I will teach you the constellations...."

The pieces of glass entered so deep that nothing can remove them anymore...because one is enough to be taken away to start the uncontrolled bleeding...

For my unborn child.....The Story of the Dragon (II)

I will never let anything hurt you, my son. Now, baby, close your eyes and let me take you again in the world of the Princess and the Dragons...
"Walking on the empty, small streets of the old town, the Princess was trying to find answers. Suddenly, the air begun to heat...She stops...she feels somebody watching her and turns over the shoulder...In the dim light of the old pavement, she saw the Dragon...Uncontrollable heartbeats, slow and deep breaths...she turns... "Wait! Look at me, for once..." The Dragon flew...."Waaaaiittt!!!", the Princess screamed, but it was too late. He had already disappeared...
In her white room, the Princess lied back in the bad. "So there he is..He exists. Who is he? And...how do I make him talk at least?". She knew that this was her chance to find the peace that she never had before...

With very short glimpses, the Dragon was watching the Princess through the window. This way, he could not hurt her. "If only I could do something...she need to be happy. She deserves to be happy...I should leave...But how could I live without seeing her anymore? How could I help her when she needs help but is to proud to ask for it? "....

The moon was still round and white, illuminating the path for the stars....For a while now, the Princess was in her dream...Falling asleep in the Dragon's arms...trying to imagine and to feel how would his touch be...smiling.

Next morning, there was a Dragon....sleeping under the Princess's window...."

Resting his head on his mother chest, the baby let himself taken by butterfly fairies into the dreams World...Every story has a beginning..

Chess

"Razboiul de pe tabla de sah se traspunea in mine...doar tie nu iti pot intui a 5-a miscare...nebunul de alb e scos de un pion, dintr-o eroare copilareasca a jucatorului...ma pierd pentru o secunda in fumul din jur...ametitor...as putea...as putea sa inchid tot acum...nu am nevoie decat de o jumatate de pas si totul s-ar opri...pe tabla, sah..sutem in sah, iubitule...Sah mat...final? sau remiza?"

P.S. Sorry Sara...this had to be written in Romanian...you will understand anyway!

For my unborn child.....The Story of the Dragon (I)

"...In the fight with the Dragons, he always wins...Because he is a Dragon...His curse is that everything he sets eyes on, burns in the hottest, the most powerful and painful fire that have ever existed in the history of fairy tales.
This is why he hides away from the Princess...even though she loves him, even though she would prefer to finish burning than to miss him...

It started far behind time and space as we know it. Far behind touchable and material, ignorant,  fragments of life...In a time when fairies and butterflies were flying every day and night around each child, to protect him and to make him smile. In the time when the Sun was not the most glittering star of the Universe. In a space where Dragons were defending Humans...A space of "the Beginnings" and "the Ends"...

The Princess was crying...in her white room, hugging her "cow" and talking to herself..."Why me? Why all this? Why did I leave home? Why did I choose loneliness??" The white snow was covering the street and she wanted black. She wanted lights. She wanted...fire..."What if I call the Dragon? By generations, we were protected by the Dragons...My mother...my aunt...all the Princess in this family had their Dragon...I have to search mine!", the princess said to herself. She dressed up quickly, and left...On her flying lizard, back home, to solve the problems, as she always did, by herself.
Disaster appeared in the Central Park...with a kiss ... something was wrong. She should have felt burning...if HE would have been a Dragon, why doesn't it hurt..only if...
The Prince disguised in a Dragon haunted her for years. At that point she thought he is special..the Special Dragon that can help himself from hurting her in any way. Than it hurt..it burned...she thought that this is the proof that he IS a Dragon and he shall be hers...Couldn't she be more wrong than that...
They were kissing and holding themselves...But the Princess shed a tear...and the Prince felt and stepped back...He said it..."I am not a.." .. The Princess stopped him with another kiss..."This is the last time...You are just mean...It hurt, but not because you were my Dragon, but because your Human lies are worse than any Dragon look...This was the last time you will ever see or touch me...Just...go..." , and she turned around and waited for him to leave, feeling her heart exploding...The rain started...mixing disgustingly with the snow and the tears...The Princess needed her Sister and some other Human friends...She needed to forget..."

The baby is in the dreams land...for the last month, it was the only way to make him sleep. His mother was exhausted...but her happiness was far beyond any unslept hours, because she was just holding her happiness in her arms...

I love you, beyond all the ignorance and the fakes, I love you! YOU!

Breaking the Limits

First look...first touch...

The eyes of the lost soul stared at me for minutes. None of us could react for some minutes and we just kept watching each other, not believing that we are real. We were not hearing the crowd around us, but we were searching each others hand...First the small fingers started playing and all the fireworks in the World exploded inside me in the second when I felt his touch...For months now I have imagined how it would be...his touch...his skin...his smell...the first limit was broken...

Sharing the bed for the first time...first kiss...

Your arms around my hips...your lips...your hand going gently up on my back...your fingers in my hair...your tongue...the smile...I was trying to keep my tears of happiness from falling. Scared not to scare you...Afraid not to do much more than you want me to do....None of us could stop...none of us could push the other one away...We'd kissed, and smiled during kissing and hugged and smiled again and talked and caressed each other...It seemed as if we were trying to get back in 24 hours what we've missed in the last 3 months...
I don't remember when I fell asleep...I only remember that I did it for the first time in your arms...I felt us merging and making one. And I never wanted to wake up again....

The first morning....

You trying to sleep...me drinking the coffee with Sis and still wondering if it is real. I came back in bed near you...again in your arms, again letting my head rest on your chest. Your wonderful smile was making me feel I am in Heaven. Never before had I wanted so much to wake up every morning near the same person. Never before have I wished to have kids with somebody, not only because my maternal feelings are developing but because I think that this would be the ultimate bond between us. The confirmation of our love...The hours were passing by...We felt no hunger though every hour we were planning to dress up and go out for lunch...But it was too good to move...Too good to end it. I said 'I love you' without any effort...it just came to me natural, obvious, easily as I was looking in your eyes...I've seen waves of happiness growing inside you...

The leaving...

The silence had covered us. What could I have said more? I didn't want you to leave. I didn't want it to end...Both in the subway, trying to hold back tears and the pain inside me. Like thousands of knifes stabbing me. Physically, everything hurt...I had wished I could just hang on you and never have to go away. Shaking, sad, having the feeling that nothing can go well without you. But somehow your eyes, your smile, your kisses made me strong and confident. I knew that that was just the beginning. One last kiss, one last smile, one last "I love you"...I ran on the stairs and called a friend to make sure that I will keep on talking and not start crying in the middle of the street. From the second you left, I started counting the days until we had to meet again...and they were only 4...though it seemed an eternity...

No other eyes have looked at me like this...No other moment did I feel more loved and wanted...No distance in the Universe can ever keep us separated....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 4) - Before the airport

Just....

Time: 9 hours, 36 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+Clounds+soft wind+13 degrees Celsius
Mood: Anxiety ..... Huge levels...excited....soft knees...smile
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, shower,  packing
Music: Porcupine Tree -Hatesong
: Picture


The other way is better than no way....

Back...to....Butterflies (part 3)

Wings...sun...hours...sky...screams...guns...alone...just...fuck...again...past...future..you..us...me...calm...beats...drums...electric guitar...silence...argue...love...job...home...

I have no idea how this thoughts got into my mind and wrote themselves with my hands. I have the strange feeling of turning on the other side. Like a piece of cloth...My inside is getting outside, hiding the surface and letting everything release....I feel like  paint going down the canvas and I am looking for my brush to put me in the right shape...idea...dream.

I feel curved...I feel bending...I feel breaking and putting myself back together within a second. Strange, and funny...This is the good bad. This is me coming to you in the same time with you coming to me...this is joining...angels and demons, disaster and happiness...I love you,  I love you, I love you....I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Now SCREAM!

Time: 1 Day, 3 hours, 20 minutes before arriving in Bucharest
Weather: Sun+12 degrees Celsius
Mood: butterflies in my stomach (I should stop eating dream-caterpillars at some point)
Activity: messenger, facebook, eRepublik, chat, smoking, Coke, packing
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -I Could Have Lied
Picture:

The spaceship Aurora is ready to fly on Uranus and send stellar butterflies from there to you! 

NOTE: This is for you, my suffering friend. It's only you that can understand exactly how I feel. See you soon "home".