How did you manage to discover exactly that spot behind my neck, just where the neck ends (...or starts...depending from where you look) ? How do you know exactly how to kiss my back and then play with your fingers up and down in the perfect rhythm? And why do you fall asleep holding my hand?
I don't know how you do it....I don't know how you make me smile...I don't know how you read my mind and do the right gestures in the perfect moments...But please, please don't stop!
One day, each of us finds a small "exit" from the normality, from the usual, from this ... monotony, and escapes in a World that no one who wasn't there can even dream of...From the top of the mountain, you feel King and you know for a second that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you cannot do.
Lay back and don't say a word...just look at me and smile again. Make me feel in Heaven for one more time...No...for...EVER.... Nowhere...else I'd rather be... No one...else I'd kiss right now...
Your perfume lingers on my skin...Waiting for the bus to go home, I still can't stop smiling...Early mornings here mean sad people going to work and running from the rain. Between them, I feel like I come from another planet...I let the rain fall on my neck, and I shiver as it goes on the traces of your lips...Between all that gray figures, I see colors.
I sit in the bus and look through the window...for a second, everything just goes on reverse...Me, naked, near you, naked, in the bed....My hand on your back...Flashes of the last night are flooding my heart and my mind...The light pullover thrown over my black sexy mid-tight stockings and the suspender belt....You, discovering every centimeter of me...your breath on my neck and your hands holding me tight...
The rain covered the windows of the bus and I can't see anything...But you, lying on the back, holding me at your chest, playing with my hair, kissing me on the forehead...protective...worried...asking yourself if you are making a mistake. I come with my lips near your year and I am wondering if I should say it...Quiet, shy, unsure of your reaction: "I love you...." You look at me and take a deep breath, and I kiss you...A big kiss....
It's living every second with you as it would be the last one, just because it really might be the last one. It's the fact that I can't totally have you and this intrigues me. It's the way in which you smile and how you touch me...It's all about brushing my teeth in the morning and you coming and whispering "I don't want to go to work..."
Having a coffee, a 'pain aux choco' from Fischer's (yes, I was hungry and I had to wait for the bus and I love having the breakfast with orange juice and sweet things and look at the "bankers" and smile because I am the only one that is HAPPY) and listening to music...the music from last night...You know, don't you, that it's stupid to ask me to breath without you....because you can't do it either without me....
Between being miserable without you at all and touching the ultimate happiness in the few seconds with you, I will always choose...YOU.
The rain was covering her face...she just couldn't stay at home anymore, not without him. Every sip she was taking from the bottle of scotch was reminding her of him and the last words she told: "Maybe is better to get out of your life...." ... It was getting late and the bar was closing...another night lost, alone, though surrounded by a bunch of men eager for a "happy ending" of the night, crushed...
"It's time to leave, Missy"... She raised her eyes to the bartender and gave him a smile "Thank you!" ... "Anytime, just don't let anybody take away that smile"... The door closed behind her and she just stood at the crossroads, trying to make a decision...
When you get out of the happiness state, you are not going into depression, you are just coming back to normality (thanks, my friend, for saying intelligent things exactly in the perfect moment).
She lights up a cigarette and breathes calmly the smoke...In...out...feeling her lungs invaded by the sweet poison.....In the darkness of the room, nobody can see her tears anymore...She would scream, she would break something, but she herself is too broken to make any move...
....on the top of the World I found you. And maybe sometimes I forget how to walk in the same time with you, but I am always following you...
You are playing with your fingers in my messed up hair after our last game...Than, you close my eyes, and somehow manage to get inside my soul....and there, you spend hours trying to rebuilt it, to make it whole again, to make it alive again, find out which are the missing pieces and replace them...
You take my arms and put them around your neck, making me hold you so tight that at some point we merge, and we just become one, learning to breath in the same time, learning...how to learn again...
You are creating Worlds for me and with another kind of touch, you make me scream from the top of the World "I AM HAPPY, MY LOVE!!!!!!". Again, there is no limit, not even the sky holding me whenever I might loose my equilibrium...
Janice Joplin....I still smell like you...Cigarettes...Your look that tells me more than one thousand words...A better you every time we meet...
With another kind of touch, you will manage to redo the puzzle and to see it shine colors that you've never seen in your life.
..........................
I linger in bed, next to you...Today I woke up again with my head on your chest...There is just a thin arrow of light passing through one corner to another ...Around the room, proofs of the last night "representation"...I watch you for some minutes...counting your breaths...listening...just the rhythmic beat of your heart. Now, I can feel the peace that you are giving me...now I know why I am missing you some times...It's all because of another kind of touch...
In a World with masks, I left mine away in the moment I reached happiness...It was a flash of a second, full of colors and sounds that merged together is the most beautiful dance of butterflies. It was than when lips touched for just some seconds...I dropped in that moment everything that was covering me and my inside came out, without shame. No timidity, no shame, naked in front of you, ready to touch every star with my finger tips.
You forgot to tell me it will burn. You forgot that I am human and I get hurt. I followed blindly every step of yours, ready to catch you whenever you were about to fall...You made me believe I were more powerful than I thought. That I can move mountains and skies and seas alone, for you. You showed me clear skies just to teach me that there are also black clouds. You showed me the Sun, just to teach me that it can burn....You proved me HAPPINESS just to make me feel the SORROW. In all its states.
But now I am searching for my mask...I am starting all over again...Only that now, I completed the "scheme of feelings" a human can have. Now I know that tears can leave deep cuts on your face....Now I know that there is an ending to everything, no matter if you want it or not.
For a moment I felt how I stopped but the time continued to run...faster and faster....Few more months and I will be at that point in life when I will look back and see that nothing was as I thought it would be...But also, there will be almost one year since I took my time to look back, to see where I went wrong and were I was right. One year by myself....in a new World that my soul rejects. I feel pulses of change. I feel myself growing up too fast...I am letting go...I am accepting my failure and my success as they are...
In the end...I guess that in a way or another you played the most important role in this ... movie...but you will never reach to see the end of it. At least not as an actor but as a spectator.
...The lights are going off at the end of the play, the actors align themselves, and then the yellow and white lights will increase slowly for the applause....This time, I will not be on the stage either...this time, I will just play with the colors....
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. - C.S Lewis
Dust off....pick the old, heavy book and open it....The paper butterfly falls in front of your feet...You raise the right hand with the book on it, and easily lean forward to pick it up with your left hand...The book slips from your hand and falls on the dusty, wooden floor, making a strange, squeezed noise...With your finger tips, you touch the wings of the butterfly...Unequal...Wrong..."I couldn't make even a good paper-butterfly...Damn"...You put it in your fist and break it....You throw it away in the corner of the old attic...letting your head fall in your palms, holding back from crying, you sit on the floor..."This was so wrong...."
The first contact of the skin with the sea must be perfect...I get closer and closer...with small steps, eyes closed, just hearing the waves and feeling the sand under my feet, smelling the wind...I feel the first drop of water...I go further...Soon, I start going down...I lay back and watch the stars, trying to trace lines between them, make connections, reinvent the Universe. I am drawing maps and I am trying to reach you, but apparently, however I would make the combination, there is no way to go back .... I left the paper butterfly in an old book in the dusty attic....I know that one day you will find it....
You stand up, look around and start descending the stairs...I start swimming....As you get further away from the house, I swim further away from the shore. The Sun is starting to send spots of light, calling me back to the shore...The moon is up on your sky...you lay back in your big and empty bad...I step on the sand again..."If there is no more of you, there can't be anymore of me..." "All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible"- T.E. Lawrence
...starts in the morning when I wake up at 5 a.m and there is nobody to say "Good morning" to.
....is during the day when no sms comes to confirm that you are thinking of me as much as I am thinking of you.
....is when at 3.30 p.m I don't get any "hey! I'm home!"
....is at night when you are not there to "gaze" at until I fall asleep...
....is to be strangers
....is not to say "Good morning" and "Good night"
....becomes even harder when I think about coming in Romania and realize that you will not be there
....is when I smoke and you are not there to tell me off
The hardest thing is that we exist in different Worlds that reject each other. There is actually no hard thing. There are a bunch of fucked up moments and situations that messed us up. So much, that we got confused and missed the right way. And made it be even worse. Two stupid puppets that thought of them as humans for a while and dared to believe in everything that was forbidden.
The hardest thing ever was when I said the last good bye on the phone, in the airport. The hardest thing was when the plane took off...The hardest thing, my love, was to know that it was the last time when I see you, but not to give you the last kiss...The hardest thing is to know that I will never forget you.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
